Parents Are Gross

Apparently, once you have kids you become gross and insane and want to eat placenta. All I can say is EW!

I Love My Planet

We've heard about a trillion times that people without kids are selfish. Parents are the heroes, selflessly giving their lives to their kids. Oh and selflessly wrecking our planet in the process. Just check out the environmental havoc wrought by babies.

Yes, I get it. Some people just have to have their mini-mes and a giant SUV to cart them around in. Just don't pretend this makes you a good guy.

Guys and Dolls, Scout Meetings and Little League

Ed Yourdon via Flickr

As a parent your job is to sit through a ton of boring shit. Moms and dads waste hours and hours watching school plays, dance recitals, softball games, and school concerts. Moms and dads fund raise for new uniforms and preside over scout meetings. It's not enough that you have to watch your own boring child perform, you have to watch a lot of other people's kids do their thing too. I have no interest in going camping, I really don't want to take kids camping. I have never enjoyed a production of Guys and Dolls or Our House or Death of a Salesman. I totally hate team sports. I imagine that as a parent it would be my job to feign interest in all these things and that's not for me.

I was reminded of this issue with child rearing the other night. My husband and I went to see Funny People. Adam Sandler portrays a grouchy, lonely, wealthy comedian who becomes severely ill. The illness is supposed to shake things up for Sandler's character and bring him to the realization that his life is shallow and meaningless. This message is delivered in heavy-handed, It's-a-Wonderful-Life style via an ex-girlfriend who's the living embodiment of fulfillment because... wait for it... she has CHILDREN.

In case you didn't get the message that Sandler's character is a miserable, loathsome, childless asshole, the point is driven home during a pivotal moment in his attempts to win back his girl. She shows him footage of her child singing Memory in a school play and the child's supposedly earth-shattering performance brings mommy to tears. Sandler's character, because he's an asshole of course, is unimpressed by the performance and admits that he's seen Cats on Broadway and that was better. What a douche bag, right? This is why he's dying alone, folks.

Thanks, Hollywood, for once again making another movie glamourizing parenting and casting people without children as great big monsters who die alone. This is the kind of bullshit that bullies the ambivalent into parenthood and leaves them wondering why they don't derive the same epic joy and satisfaction from parenthood that movie characters obviously enjoy.

Kids' plays and team sports are boring to a lot of adults. Finding them so does not mean you're a ghoul, it means you're probably a normal adult. It's frustrating to see this sort of pro-parenthood propaganda telling adults there's something wrong with them if they don't find these things enjoyable. Just for once I'd like to see a movie where an adult without kids isn't demonized or doesn't eventually come to the realization that despite their seemingly satisfying life, children are obviously what's really missing.

Kids are Boring

A blogger whose posts I often enjoy sometimes talks about how she likes kids but does not want any of her own. I can understand why she might feel that way but it's not how I feel. I flat out dislike children. I've always disliked children. When I was a kid I never wanted to be around my peers. I found them messy, loud, and dull -- the same way I find them as an adult.

When most people hear about my dislike of kids they act like I'm some kind of monster. I didn't say I beat children (although plenty of people who have kids do that). I didn't say I am mean to children (although I see parents being mean to their kids all the time). I didn't say I want to wipe kids off the face of the earth. All I mean to say is that I don't enjoy the company of children and prefer not to be around them.

Although I find kids messy and loud, an even bigger grievance I have is that kids are boring. Kids are rarely interested in anything I find interesting. Kids don't usually have thoughts on health care reform. Kids don't have suggestions on the best bars in town. Kids don't have thoughts on which travel websites have the most reliable reviews. I don't have anything to say to a kid. I don't watch Nickelodeon. I don't play video games. I don't totally hate my History teacher or have a crush on my lab partner.

I have a teenage brother, he's 17 years younger than I am. Every time I get trapped in conversation with him it's like time stands still and 30 seconds seems to stretch on for 5 hours. He yammers endlessly about bands I've never heard of and guitar chords that are "soo hard to play." A few years ago he'd talk incessantly about hockey and video games but since he's discovered "emo" he's only interested in how awesome the Warped Tour is going to be this year.

Kids seem unable to grasp that whatever they're so excited about may not be of interest to other people. My brother will go on and on about his music, not even noticing I am half asleep and haven't said anything other than "uh huh" for like 20 minutes. I'd believe I have an exceptionally dull brother if it wasn't for the fact that my husband's younger relatives are also similarly and excruciatingly boring.

I can't imagine having a child of my own and trying to make conversation with it. At least my husband and I can go home and get away from the children in our families. Their parents are stuck listening to the merits of Fall Out Boy versus Evanesence all day, every day. To that I say, no thank you.