More Reasons I Don't Have a Kid

If I had this woman's life I'd want to kill myself.

Saw two couples last week who'd recently had children. One dad walked up to the other with an especially life-like, boob-shaped bottle, shoved it into his friend's face and said "does this smell right?" I said, "did you just ask him to sniff your wife's breast milk?" They both stared at me like I was the crazy one.

I never want to get to a point in my life where my husband is asking his friends to sniff something that came out of me. This is why I don't have a kid.

Kids are Gross

Today I read this on fmylife.com

"Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML"

Vomtastic! This is why I don't have kids.

Parents Are Gross

Apparently, once you have kids you become gross and insane and want to eat placenta. All I can say is EW!

I Love My Planet

We've heard about a trillion times that people without kids are selfish. Parents are the heroes, selflessly giving their lives to their kids. Oh and selflessly wrecking our planet in the process. Just check out the environmental havoc wrought by babies.

Yes, I get it. Some people just have to have their mini-mes and a giant SUV to cart them around in. Just don't pretend this makes you a good guy.

Guys and Dolls, Scout Meetings and Little League

Ed Yourdon via Flickr

As a parent your job is to sit through a ton of boring shit. Moms and dads waste hours and hours watching school plays, dance recitals, softball games, and school concerts. Moms and dads fund raise for new uniforms and preside over scout meetings. It's not enough that you have to watch your own boring child perform, you have to watch a lot of other people's kids do their thing too. I have no interest in going camping, I really don't want to take kids camping. I have never enjoyed a production of Guys and Dolls or Our House or Death of a Salesman. I totally hate team sports. I imagine that as a parent it would be my job to feign interest in all these things and that's not for me.

I was reminded of this issue with child rearing the other night. My husband and I went to see Funny People. Adam Sandler portrays a grouchy, lonely, wealthy comedian who becomes severely ill. The illness is supposed to shake things up for Sandler's character and bring him to the realization that his life is shallow and meaningless. This message is delivered in heavy-handed, It's-a-Wonderful-Life style via an ex-girlfriend who's the living embodiment of fulfillment because... wait for it... she has CHILDREN.

In case you didn't get the message that Sandler's character is a miserable, loathsome, childless asshole, the point is driven home during a pivotal moment in his attempts to win back his girl. She shows him footage of her child singing Memory in a school play and the child's supposedly earth-shattering performance brings mommy to tears. Sandler's character, because he's an asshole of course, is unimpressed by the performance and admits that he's seen Cats on Broadway and that was better. What a douche bag, right? This is why he's dying alone, folks.

Thanks, Hollywood, for once again making another movie glamourizing parenting and casting people without children as great big monsters who die alone. This is the kind of bullshit that bullies the ambivalent into parenthood and leaves them wondering why they don't derive the same epic joy and satisfaction from parenthood that movie characters obviously enjoy.

Kids' plays and team sports are boring to a lot of adults. Finding them so does not mean you're a ghoul, it means you're probably a normal adult. It's frustrating to see this sort of pro-parenthood propaganda telling adults there's something wrong with them if they don't find these things enjoyable. Just for once I'd like to see a movie where an adult without kids isn't demonized or doesn't eventually come to the realization that despite their seemingly satisfying life, children are obviously what's really missing.

Kids are Boring

A blogger whose posts I often enjoy sometimes talks about how she likes kids but does not want any of her own. I can understand why she might feel that way but it's not how I feel. I flat out dislike children. I've always disliked children. When I was a kid I never wanted to be around my peers. I found them messy, loud, and dull -- the same way I find them as an adult.

When most people hear about my dislike of kids they act like I'm some kind of monster. I didn't say I beat children (although plenty of people who have kids do that). I didn't say I am mean to children (although I see parents being mean to their kids all the time). I didn't say I want to wipe kids off the face of the earth. All I mean to say is that I don't enjoy the company of children and prefer not to be around them.

Although I find kids messy and loud, an even bigger grievance I have is that kids are boring. Kids are rarely interested in anything I find interesting. Kids don't usually have thoughts on health care reform. Kids don't have suggestions on the best bars in town. Kids don't have thoughts on which travel websites have the most reliable reviews. I don't have anything to say to a kid. I don't watch Nickelodeon. I don't play video games. I don't totally hate my History teacher or have a crush on my lab partner.

I have a teenage brother, he's 17 years younger than I am. Every time I get trapped in conversation with him it's like time stands still and 30 seconds seems to stretch on for 5 hours. He yammers endlessly about bands I've never heard of and guitar chords that are "soo hard to play." A few years ago he'd talk incessantly about hockey and video games but since he's discovered "emo" he's only interested in how awesome the Warped Tour is going to be this year.

Kids seem unable to grasp that whatever they're so excited about may not be of interest to other people. My brother will go on and on about his music, not even noticing I am half asleep and haven't said anything other than "uh huh" for like 20 minutes. I'd believe I have an exceptionally dull brother if it wasn't for the fact that my husband's younger relatives are also similarly and excruciatingly boring.

I can't imagine having a child of my own and trying to make conversation with it. At least my husband and I can go home and get away from the children in our families. Their parents are stuck listening to the merits of Fall Out Boy versus Evanesence all day, every day. To that I say, no thank you.

Chances Are Good that I Will Fuck Up

While I feel like it's unfair that people judge my life choices now, I know the grass isn't greener on the other side. Having kids means everyone will judge every move you make. I'm only vaguely aware of the Mommy Wars but I know enough to know I want no part of them. Apparently all the mommies are keen on judging one another for choices about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, TV watching, organic food, staying home with the kids, not staying home with the kids, cloth diapering, vaccinations and more. Who needs that kind of aggravation?

I can only imagine the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that whatever choices I was making about raising kids would be the wrong ones and somehow I'd manage to raise a complete social misfit.

Beyond the petty arguments about the pros and cons of homeschooling, there are more black and white ways parents screw up all the time and I could definitely be guilty of those mistakes. Nearly every parent I've ever known (my own included) has admitted that they, at least once, lost their child some place. Everyone I know personally was lucky enough to get their children back, but what about the parents who don't? Turn your eye for a second and poof, your kid could vanish. That kind of stress and responsibility is not for me. I get queasy when I misplace my cellphone. I can't imagine misplacing a human.

I don't want the physical and emotional well-being of another human entirely dependent on my ability to do all the right things at all times. I want the option to occasionally fuck up and not have to worry about hurting anyone else. I, along with the rest of society, tend to go a lot easier on people when their stupid moves hurt no one but themselves. As soon as a kid enters into the equation as a possible victim, everyone's ready to break out the pitchforks and torches. I'm not saying I disagree with society. Kids are an awesome responsibility and people who have them should consider this above all else. I am just saying I don't want that responsibility for myself.

Sometimes Babies Cause Rashes

"Joanne Mackie, 28, developed agonising blisters and an excruciating rash shortly after giving birth to son James... Doctors had been baffled by Mrs Mackie's condition, but a skin biopsy revealed a diagnosis of Pemphigoid Gestationis - a rare skin disease caused by an allergic reaction to her baby."

Yep, this is definitely what I want, an excruciating rash. If my stretched out vag isn't enough to turn on my husband, I am sure a festering rash will do that trick.

Perfectionists Do Not Make Good Parents

Flickr via i_yudai

One of the things that freaks me out about having kids is that so much can go wrong with your child. I know I'm probably not cut out to be a caregiver for a small child, but what I'm really not cut out for is caring for a special needs child. I've seen the way parents of disabled children provide care and advocacy with saintly patience and compassion. I also know I can't do that.

I don't want to imagine the emotional and financial toll of a special needs child. You can forget the dream of them taking care of you in old age. You'll spend the rest of your life taking care of them and making preparations to see to their care after you're gone. (Oh and you'll be busy hoping and praying that even if you do put aside all the money in the world for their care after you're gone, that the care they get is good enough. We all know about the horror stories of patients dying from infected bed sores at even the most expensive nursing homes.)

I'm always amazed at the way parents of special needs children can continue to be proud of them and adore them endlessly. I admire their devotion and strength of character, but I realize these are qualities I don't possess. I'd feel resentful. I'd feel annoyed. I'd feel impatient. I'd feel bitter. Maybe other people in that situation have those feelings and they won't cop to it. I wouldn't blame them. I know that's how I'd feel. My tolerance for imperfection is low and my disappointment at what I'd consider a deeply flawed child would be difficult to conceal.

An even more distressing possibility than an obvious mental or physical disability is one you don't find out about until it's too late. Every homicidal maniac the public wants to see tarred, feathered and electrocuted has a mother. Their poor mothers will probably spend the rest of their lives wondering where they went wrong and feeling guilt over all the atrocities committed by their kid. I don't want the possibility of having to tearfully explain to a reporter that junior was always such a good child.

If my fear of having a special needs child were the only thing holding me back maybe I'd take my chances, but since my list of reasons to remain child-free is long, this paranoia just adds another reason to the lot of them.

Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don't

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When you make the decision to have kids, you have a few childcare options and all of them pretty much suck.

Option 1: You stay at home with your baby
Awesome, my husband gets to spend all day having stimulating conversations with adults while I'm up to my elbows in dirty diapers. My only mental stimulation is Blues Clues. I spend my day talking in a high pitched baby talk trying to coax first words out of my infant or worse yet having inane conversations with my toddler about why she can't eat cookies for breakfast. My husband comes home dressed in clean clothing with stories from the outside world and I regale him with stories of the shape and color of our offspring's bowel movements.

My professional options and earning potential dwindle as years pass with me away from the workforce. I eventually succumb to a life of semi-indentured servitude, wherein I clean, cook and care for children while my husband holds the purse strings, and probably eventually leaves me for a less dumpy, less saggy younger woman who isn't wearing supportive granny panties and covered in spit up. I wind up bitter, frumpy, and alone in my mom jeans with no career prospects and unable to support my brood.

Option 2: Your spouse stays home with your baby
Now the shoe is on the other foot. I spend all day slogging though con-calls and emails and come home to a disheveled, tired, cranky spouse who's spent the entire day listening to our kid scream. He looks like crap, he hasn't shaved, he has nothing interesting to say to me. I resentfully wonder why, if he's been home all day, the dishes are mountain-high in the sink. What the hell would I know about it any way? I don't spend all day with a baby, so I don't realize you can't be expected to get through a mountain of dishes with a baby screaming at you about his diaper rash and ear infection. I go to bed sexually unsatisfied every night and eventually wind up fucking someone at work.

Option 3: Daycare
Sure, g'head, entrust the care of your not-yet-able-to-speak offspring to strangers you know nothing about. These people are probably being paid minimum wage and no benefits to look after a dozen or more kids they have no personal stake in. As you can imagine, the incentive is certainly there to do an excellent job.

Look, I don't care if the marketing material for the daycare says they have a Montessori philosophy. I don't care if their waiting list is 2 years long and you put your kid on it while she was in utero. I don't care if you're paying over $1000.00/month. Think about how your $1000/month breaks down into hourly pay and then think about the kind of job you'd be motivated to do for the same kind of income.

These people will forget to apply diaper cream. These people will leave your baby lying on its back for hours staring at the ceiling with no stimulation, inhibiting her mental development. They will leave your kid to crap his pants in his Pull Ups rather than taking him to the toilet because it's easier for them. So what if you are trying to toilet train. They will feed your kid with nut allergies trail mix. They will try to introduce your child to Jesus, no matter how many times you try to tell them you are Jewish. Heck, they'll probably tell your Jewish child she's going to hell for not accepting Jesus as her personal savior. Enjoy spending your few hours between work and sleep trying to explain the psychology of religion to someone who still wears diapers.

I once heard an acquaintence lamenting the fact that her 1 year old routinely returned from daycare with bitemarks on her arms and legs. Apparently one of the other children in the daycare had a biting problem. She'd spoken to the daycare workers about it several times but with so many kids to look after they can't keep an eye on everyone all the time.

The fact of the matter is, no one is going to do a better job of taking care of your child than you or a family member who loves your child. If you place your kid's well-being above your career or financial independence, your life is going to suffer in some other way. You're basically screwed no matter what you choose, unless you happen to be one of those rare, lucky people that can evenly share the power and responsibility of breadwinning and childcare equally with your partner. My husband and I are not in that position and even if we were, it's not how we'd want to spend our time. For us, the reality is that all child-rearing scenarios sound like a trap and we don't want in.

Other People's Kids Suck

The other night my husband and I were visiting with his aunts and uncles and they were reminiscing about all the friends their children had that they hated the most. This reminded me of times my mother openly complained to me during my teen years about friends I had that she did not care for. My husband and I shot each other a knowing look. It was a "this is why I don't have a kid" look.

Your kids bringing home rotten friends is a universal problem. At some point your kid is going to like a child who is rude, bratty, ill-behaved, destructive and an all-around bad influence. Your kid will make friends with a kid who wants to get drunk, feed your dog chocolate, shoplift, start fights, engage in a threesome, bully other kids and who knows what else. The bad behavior possibilities are endless.

I don't really want to spend my days and nights worrying non-stop about how peer pressure-proof I've managed to make my child. It's simply not enough for you to tell your kid smoking and cutting school are bad things to do. You have to worry about someone far cooler than you telling your kid otherwise. As much and I'd like to think I could raise a good kid, I remember all the questionable things I did in my youth, despite my parents urgings to do otherwise. I don't think there's anything my parents could have said or done to change any of my missteps. My friends' influence was powerful and my parents were the enemy. The last thing I ever want is to raise a little mini-me who'd try to get away with sneaking out of the house, fooling around with her boyfriend while I was at work, or raiding my liquor cabinet for boozy middle school sleepovers.

What's most disconcerting is I was pretty much a "good" kid. I scored straight As and got a scholarship to a top university. I did volunteer work with the elderly. I wrote thank you notes. I survived my childhood and teen years with no drug habits, accidental pregnancy or arrest record. I don't even want to find out what happens if you're unfortunate enough to have one of the not-so-good ones.

Parents Can Be as Bratty as Their Kids

Kids can be total brats. I've seen them thrashing about and screaming in Target because they didn't get a toy they wanted. I've seen them rudely comment on a stranger's limp while out in public. I certainly personally experienced them acting like rotten little bullies back when I was a kid. I can't entirely blame the kids though. Bad kids don't just happen, they are a product of bad parenting. The bad news is once you have kids you're going to be forced to interact with some really bratty parents.

Currently, when I meet bratty adults I usually have the option to avoid them. I don't have to put up with their bullshit because my kid doesn't want to go to their kid's sleepover and my kid is not on their kid's little league team. Sure I run into the occasional grown up behaving badly at the store or a bar, but I can just leave. I don't have ties to these people. Once you have kids, you're in for many years of hanging around with other parents.

Just how badly behaved are today's parents? Have a look at this article about the disturbing modern trend in parenting, wherein the child's self-esteem is paramount and good manners are of little concern.

I have no desire to attend Mommy and Me with some bitch who refuses to teach her child to share. I don't want to enjoy an afternoon coffee with anyone who thinks it is remotely acceptable for her child to deliberately trip people in restaurants. I dislike bratty adults but what's worse is watching them create demonic mini-mes right before your eyes. I'd rather hide out in my child and parent-free bubble avoiding this problem altogether.

Kids Will Fuck Up Your Sex Life

Alright, maybe parents do get it on, but if it involves trips to the kid-friendly sex shop and trading in your vibrator for a more child friendly rubber ducky version, count me out! Sex is supposed to be sexy and trolling the kid-friendly sex store complete with diaper changing stations, “Sexy Moms” products, and stroller accessible aisles makes my boner shrivel.

In general, parents seem to develop weird ideas about boundaries. My baby-having friends cheerfully regale me with tales of nipple infections and mucous plus. I see parents acting entitled to bring their tykes to 5 star restaurants on a Saturday night. It comes as no surprise to me that there are parents out there expecting sex shops to cater to them as well.

A lot of what I write in this blog might leave readers the impression that I'm a self-centered jerk because I think martinis and Manolo Blahniks are a higher priority than child-rearing. The truth is part of what turns me off about becoming a parent is the self-centered behavior I see in most parents.

I don't want to become one of those assholes that thinks the world should bend for me because I squeezed out a kid. I don't want to be the one terrorizing airline passengers and grocery store patrons with my screaming spawn. I don't want to be hogging the sidewalk with my monster SUV stroller, running joggers and other pedestrians into the street. If you're one of the few parents out there who doesn't act like a self-important douche, that's great but you're a rarity. I'm not sure I could be as well-behaved while dealing with the demands of parenting and I'd rather not find out.

Sometimes It's Not Different When They're Yours

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When people find out I don't want kids there are usually a few reactions I get:

1. "Why Not?"
(Now I can say "see my blog.") I always find this reaction odd. It's like me asking someone why they don't want to be a nun. "What's that? You don't find vows of celibacy and poverty appealing as lifestyle choices? Me either. That's why I'm not having any fucking kids." Okay, moms and dads, I believe you. You're not destitute or completely celibate. You enjoy a once a year vacay to Disney or the beach and a semi-monthly boinking. That's great. I want to travel abroad several times a year and get laid on a daily basis. We have different priorities.

On that note, I do have a cat. When I meet people who don't have a cat I never ask why they don't have one. I understand why someone might not want a cat. You have to clean up after them, you have to feed them, you have to pay their vet bills. While my kitty's company makes those inconveniences worthwhile to me, I can see why other people wouldn't feel the same. Please understand the way some people feel about the hassle of caring for a pet is the way I feel about the hassle of caring for a kid.

When I hear someone bitching that cats are messy or vet bills are stupid-expensive, I'm not offended. I don't think they're a jerk. I just think that having a pet is probably not for them.

2. "It's different when they're yours."
Lest you think baby hating* is a sentiment strictly reserved for non-parents, let me assure you, I've met many parents who admit that, on the whole, they are not fond of children. They quickly let me know that they like their own kids because "it's different when they are yours."

What if it's not different when they are mine? Was it different for Susan Smith or Andrea Yates, who both infamously offed their broods when the stress of parenting got to them? I am not saying I think I'm likely to murder my young, but I can see many other ways my dislike of kids would make me a pretty shitty parent. Isn't it better to not take the chance that it won't be different when they're mine?

3. "You're a selfish bitch"
Merriam-Webster says selfish means "seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others." So they're half right. I am interested in my own happiness and well-being, but not without regard for others. Who am I hurting by keeping my DNA to myself exactly? Wouldn't it be more selfish of me to see if maybe it would be different when they're mine, find out that it's not, and torture my offspring with a lifetime of obvious resentment?

While we're on the subject of selfishness, isn't making a baby a teeny bit selfish? After all, your choice to have a baby was made based on what was going to bring you happiness. There are tons of orphans and kids in foster care who need looking after; people choose to make their own babies anyway. Each new person on the planet creates one monster-sized carbon footprint, further contributing to the deterioration of our environment.

I don't blame parents for reproducing. They are following their bliss like I'm following mine. We are all a little bit selfish. How is my so-called selfishness worse than anyone else's?

(*On the subject of baby hating monsters, there are bigger monsters out there than me. Instead of worrying about baby haters who find your kid annoying, worry more about the people who like kids a little too much. While I'm not likely to offer to babysit for you, there's also no chance I am trying to get into your kids' pants. There's pretty much zero chance of me ever hurting any kid in any way, since I prefer to avoid them entirely. So keep that in mind next time you fret over the big bad baby haters.)

Kids Are Annoying

Some people who don't want kids will cheerfully tell you they adore kids, they just don't want any of their own. I am not in that camp. I don't enjoy being around kids or babies at all. They're loud, they're irritating, and they're messy.

Case in point: My husband and I were in the supermarket last night picking up a few things, and in front of us stood a couple with their toddler in a stroller. The check-out line was long and it was the only one open, so there we stood. This toddler did not stop making shrill shrieking sounds the entire time we stood in line. The parents seemed oblivious to their "little angel's" noise pollution. I guess they are used to it.

Which is worse? Being the parent unwittingly imposing your obnoxious spawn on the unsuspecting public trying to buy their groceries in peace because you've gone deaf to baby's incessant screaming, or being fully aware of how irritating junior's shrieks are and having the attitude that if you have to suffer so should everyone else?

Having a Kid Will Fuck Up Your Body

We all know that pregnancy causes some nasty effects on the body. We are all familiar with the stretch marks, weird outtie belly buttons, engorged (and eventually saggy) boobs, swollen feet and of course there's the matter of getting fat. What you may not know is having a baby can cause some far more revolting and permanent side effects.

Check out this delightful tale from the Nursing Times. And I quote...

"The physiological changes occurring during pregnancy and the processes of childbirth have a detrimental effect on the structure and function of the muscles, nerves and fascial tissues (connective tissue) that make up the pelvic floor complex.

Dysfunction of the pelvic floor complex can result in a wide range of symptoms including urinary or anal incontinence."

So basically have a kid and you could spend the rest of your life changing your own diapers. Sexy! I imagine that makes most husbands want to make more babies as soon as possible.

Also on the menu:
- rectal/anal prolapse
- Pelvic organ prolapse (Hi there, Ms Cervix)
- Chronic pelvic pain
- Pelvic pain syndrome
- Dyspareunia (painful sexual intercourse)
- Orgasmic dysfunction

Many of you mamas out there may feel your bundle of joy is worth the risk of a busted vag. To each her own. Personally, I'm attached to my perfectly functioning bits and can't imagine trading them in for screaming bundle of expense and responsibility.

Kids Will Raid Your Medicine Cabinet

After your kids have made a wreck of your house, posted nudes of themselves on the internet and punched you in the face repeatedly, you're going to want some drugs, probably a lot of them. You'll want some valium and some pain-killers to deal with all of this. Too bad there won't be any left for you, since your child will probably steal them for recreational use.

Kids Will Break Your Bank

My mother is devastated that I don't want kids. She constantly asks "But who will take care of you when you're old?" To me it's always been a bold assumption that having a child guarantees a caregiver later on in life. It might be ideal but there's every chance your child will be unable or unwilling to care for you when you need it.

If you really want surefire security and comfort in old age your safer bet is probably a good sized nest egg. That's why I feel I'm better off sticking the $250,000 it costs to raise a child into a mutual fund or savings account. Heck, with my dislike of kids I'm probably better off blowing that money on vacations and nice dinners.

Either way, I am not sold on the argument that I need to have kids so they can take care of me some day.

Kids Are Fragile

It seems like every time I turn around I hear about some new hazard for the kiddies. Pthalates in toys might cause organ damage, hoodies might strangle them, baby food will give them heart disease.

I can't imagine handling the stress of worrying about a kid falling off a bike and skinning a knee, much less spending 24/7 absorbing news on all the latest and greatest threats to babies.

A friend of mine who recently gave birth banned all non-organic fabrics and all cleaning products from her house because chemicals cause Autism or something.

Tip toeing around my own life or else risk blame for somehow irreparably harming a helpless little human? No thanks!

Kids Curb Marital Satisfaction

Survey says: kids will fuck up your married life.

Who has time for romantic dinners for two, hours of sex and long weekends in Napa when you're busy changing diapers and running to little league and girl scouts meetings?

Useful tidbits from the study:
"An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born."

"An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents."

Your Kid Will Beat The Hell Out of You

Duane Hoffmann / msnbc.com

Parents suffer fat lips, broken bones and black eyes at the hands of their offspring.

Excerpt:
“My 2-year-old was fascinated with Pocahontas and decided quickly and loudly while on a shopping trip to a local Wal-Mart that she just had to have a pair of long dangly Pocahontas earrings,” says Gavanditti, 46, of Cleveland. “She was always a very sweet baby and is a wonderful young girl now, but at that time, when I removed those earrings from her tight little grasp, she screamed bloody murder with a spine-curdling ending and ripped the flesh off my right cheek with her tiny little nails like she was dangling from a 10-story building.”

The tantrum continued as Gavanditti left the store (without the earrings). In the parking lot, her daughter “spread out like a 10-foot spider to block entrance to the car and to keep from being placed into her car seat.” She screamed all the way home.

“I came home from Wal-Mart with a bloody face, a black eye and scratches all over my upper arms and chest,” Gavanditti says. “To this day, I tease my daughter about her one and only temper tantrum that almost cost me a trip to the plastic surgeon.”

Your Kids Will Probably Get Laid A Lot Younger Than You Did

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If I didn't want kids before 21st century technology, I sure as hell don't want them now. The last thing I need to be doing is worrying about my child downloading bukkake videos on YouTube (something I was blissfully unaware even existed pre-internet) or sexting their classmates. The very thought of having a 12 year old daughter texting nude photos of herself to boys at school is enough to make my ovaries shrivel.

Kids Will Make Your Life Into A Tacky Mess

Remember that beautiful antique chest you inherited from your wealthy aunt? The one with the painstaking woodcarved detail that Antiques Road Show said is worth a fortune? Your kid is going to decorate it with her crayons and crash into it on the tricycle you told her not to ride indoors.

Kids want to fill your yard with giant, tacky, plastic amusement. They want to leave sharp-edged small toy cars and Barbie shoes on your floor to trip you. They want to grind bits of Cheerios into your car upholstery.

It's not enough for your to have to wipe up snot, barf and filthy diapers, every inch of your life winds up encased in a fine, sticky coat of goo and crumbs.

Sometimes They Never Leave

Who ever said raising a kid was an 18 year proposition? Apparently, some never leave.

It's not bad enough you have to suffer though the standard 18 years enforcing a curfew and nagging them to clean their room. Some parents have to suffer their adult children under their roof. So much for reconnecting with your spouse in those golden years.

This is why I don't have a kid

I've never wanted to have kids. Throughout my teens and twenties everyone smugly insisted I'd change my mind when I got older or met the right man. I'm well into my 30s now, happily married and I STILL DON'T WANT TO HAVE A KID! (My husband doesn't want kids either.)

As for parents, I have never told anyone "you'll change your mind once the kid gets here". I've never said you'll regret it because you'll miss out on sleeping in, adults only romantic getaways, the additional disposable income. I recognize that we all have our own wants and definitions of happiness. No kids is my definition of happiness.

This isn't meant as a judgment of people who have kids. There are lots of other life choices that don't interest me along with parenthood. I have no interest in sky diving, touring the world eating bugs like Andrew Zimmern, devoting my life to the church. The list of ways I don't want to spend my time is long, yet this is the choice I get criticized about the most and judged for the most. I take parents at their word when they tell me the sacrifices of parenthood are worth it to them.

Since no one takes me at my word when I say I find nothing appealing about having kids. I'm compiling this blog to explain why.