Perfectionists Do Not Make Good Parents

Flickr via i_yudai

One of the things that freaks me out about having kids is that so much can go wrong with your child. I know I'm probably not cut out to be a caregiver for a small child, but what I'm really not cut out for is caring for a special needs child. I've seen the way parents of disabled children provide care and advocacy with saintly patience and compassion. I also know I can't do that.

I don't want to imagine the emotional and financial toll of a special needs child. You can forget the dream of them taking care of you in old age. You'll spend the rest of your life taking care of them and making preparations to see to their care after you're gone. (Oh and you'll be busy hoping and praying that even if you do put aside all the money in the world for their care after you're gone, that the care they get is good enough. We all know about the horror stories of patients dying from infected bed sores at even the most expensive nursing homes.)

I'm always amazed at the way parents of special needs children can continue to be proud of them and adore them endlessly. I admire their devotion and strength of character, but I realize these are qualities I don't possess. I'd feel resentful. I'd feel annoyed. I'd feel impatient. I'd feel bitter. Maybe other people in that situation have those feelings and they won't cop to it. I wouldn't blame them. I know that's how I'd feel. My tolerance for imperfection is low and my disappointment at what I'd consider a deeply flawed child would be difficult to conceal.

An even more distressing possibility than an obvious mental or physical disability is one you don't find out about until it's too late. Every homicidal maniac the public wants to see tarred, feathered and electrocuted has a mother. Their poor mothers will probably spend the rest of their lives wondering where they went wrong and feeling guilt over all the atrocities committed by their kid. I don't want the possibility of having to tearfully explain to a reporter that junior was always such a good child.

If my fear of having a special needs child were the only thing holding me back maybe I'd take my chances, but since my list of reasons to remain child-free is long, this paranoia just adds another reason to the lot of them.